The Real Me

 I am linking up with From Mrs to Mama today and the Women Connect. To those of you visiting, welcome!

I am Cadie, a twenty five year old, married to my best friend for about 6 1/2 years.
I have two little ladies that I fiercely love and care for, Sahara, 3 years old, and Isla, 7 months. I have another little lady who is being rocked in Jesus' arms. Arrayah Lovie. 

Amazing how fast things change. One minute, living a fairy tale, the next, not knowing just how strong you are until you are forced to find out. We had just bought a house, had a one year old, and had found out we were expecting another baby. Things could not have been better. Life was perfect. Simply beautiful and perfect.

It didn't come crashing down until the twenty week ultrasound. A week before Christmas. A girl. I could not have been more excited. I had dreamed about having another girl. But, things were not to be the perfect dream that I had thought about for months. Kidneys weren't right. A diagnosis. She wasn't going to make it. And, nothing, absolutely nothing could be done for my baby.

After that day, nothing was normal. Depression, anxiety, and tons of tears. I don't even remember Christmas that year. 2010. New year's eve, was even worse. Knowing that the coming year was going to be harder than anything I could ever have imagined. I was going to have to bury my baby. It was not a time to celebrate. How could fireworks be going off, how could the world still be turning when mine had completely stopped?

I changed that year. My fairy tale had ended. I faced something that no parent should ever have to face. My relationship with God had changed. It was no longer a relationship that was almost easy for me. Complete trust. It was now filled with fear. Something that I was going to have to work hard at. I would have to try to learn how to trust Him all over again.

I changed as a mother. Not a day, hour, minute went by that I wasn't praying for my daughter. I would wake up throughout the night, in the middle of a prayer. I don't think I had even stopped praying while I was sleeping. Constant. Praying that God would heal her.

April 25th, 2011 was when my prayer changed. No longer did I pray that God would heal her, I prayed that He would please take her. I prayed this while I stared down into my baby's eyes. Watching her struggle to breathe. Wondering how long would she have to suffer before her eyes closed.

I learned sacrifice. I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. Things don't always turn out the way you think they might. I never thought something like this would happen to me. But, now that it has, I wouldn't change it. I would do it all again.

I'm living a different dream, now. I wish more than anything that I had all three of my little ladies with me. But, I have two that I am extremely thankful for. Two tiny girls that I love more than anything. I have learned never to take a moment for granted. I am thankful for every day I get to spend with my babies. Knowing all too well that time goes quickly by. We are but vapors in the wind.