We had a doctors appointment on Tuesday. Basically, it was a tough Q & A time. We asked a ton more questions and got a ton of crappy answers. We were warned of all the really hard decisions that we are going to have to make in the next weeks/months. Decisions that will effect Arrayah, me, and any future children we might have.
I wish this was all over. I don't know if that is a bad thing to wish because I really love Arrayah. But, this entire thing is emotionally draining. I will be happy one minute and sobbing the next. She is NEVER out of my mind. I wake up thinking about her and go to sleep praying for her. And every moment, second in between is consumed by her. I would trade most anything just to have her healthy. Just to, for a moment, not have to think about if tomorrow I'm not going to feel her move inside of me anymore. And, as much as I love her and want her here with us for the rest of my life, I'm tired of the waiting. I'm tired of wondering what is going to happen. If God is going to heal her, take her, or if He will give some doctor the wisdom and resources to save her when she's born. If we are going to have to go to the labor and delivery room this month, or in three months. This is why I would like to just fast forward.
We go in for another ultrasound on the 20th. This time, a new doctor, someone who actually specializes in infant kidneys, will be there talking to us, examining and giving us more answers. Some that I would love to think are optimistic.
Even though this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, I am so thankful for any amount of time I get to spend with this special little lady. This had made both Ja and I better parents, and a better couple, I think. We have become a lot closer to our Lord. We have again realized just how fragile life is. Both babies have taught us this.
And, since I can't fast forward, I am going to continue to be happy that I have Sahara and Arrayah each day that I do. And, thanking the Lord for dealing kindly with us. This could be a lot worse. We feel so supported by all your prayers and surrounded by angels. Thank you all.
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Just popping over to check on you and was sad to hear of the difficulty you're going through. I will be praying for you and for sweet Arrayah.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am humbled that I get to be your Mom.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for this painful road you are walking, Cadie. I stopped to pray for you today and for sweet Arrayah whom the Lord's eye is on. My heart just breaks for you. I sense Him in you as you share your heart in this space. I want to continue to pray for you and your family. That the grace and mercy of Jesus will continue to sustain you daily.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I found you through Hillary's blog and was touched by your comment there.
I have been praying for the right words to say, but I just don't know what to say. My heart hurts for you. I cannot imagine the emotions you are going through. Just know, that you are not alone. You are loved and being prayed for by many. I do not know why God gives life and then takes it away. I don't know why He sometimes heals and other times does not. But, I know that He loves you Cadie and is grieving with you.
ReplyDeleteHe will provide a strength for you that you never knew you had. He will walk with you as you go through this journey.
Hugs,
Sarah
I just found your blog through Noelle's at Wanting, Waiting, and Praying...and just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You, your sweet baby girl, and your family will be in my prayers. ((HUGS)) Brittney
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