We went in for our '20 week' ultrasound, really being 18 1/2 weeks ready to celebrate. My mom went with me. Ja, unfortunately was still at work, so he wasn't able to make it. I was going to call him as soon as I found out the sex of the baby. We were both thinking a boy. I held my breath as the technician started scanning. A girl. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy. Another girl. My Sahara was going to have a little sister. My mom and I started dreaming about two little ladies with pigtails. Matching Christmas dresses. Playing dress up. Two pretty princesses. Perfect. I called Ja breathless with excitement.
The technician continued scanning. The baby wasn't cooperating. She scanned for a long time. She had me lay on my left side to see if the baby would move differently. She left the room and was gone longer than the five minutes she told me she would be gone for. Although I thought it strange, I continued dreaming of my two baby girls being best friends. Being able to paint two sets of tiny toes. And two tiny heads full of curly hair.
The technician came in. She then said that she saw something that she was concerned about. The baby's kidneys didn't look right. She walked my mom and I over to the building across the parking lot. The specialists building. The building where the high risk pregnancies are sent. "This can't be happening." This sentence repeated itself over and over again in my head. "I already went through a high risk pregnancy. This one is supposed to be the easy one. I am supposed to be out celebrating with my husband," I kept saying to myself. I continued to think maybe they made a mistake. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they will look again, and see nothing. Maybe.
Again, I was wrong. They did see something. The baby's kidneys were huge. So huge, in fact, that her lungs were not going to develop correctly. Not enough to sustain her. The kidneys not only huge, but full of cysts. And, not enough amniotic fluid to allow her to live for much longer. These are the words that took every dream I had dreamt about moments before and smashed them. These are the words that took the breath right out of my body. These are the words that made my heart hurt in a way I didn't know it could.
I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. I saw her. I saw her tiny heart beating. Beating. Beating. I saw her tiny little left foot that she had stretched all the way up to her head. I saw her beautiful profile. One that looked just like Sahara. And I saw her tiny lips opening and shutting, like trying to suck on a finger that wasn't there. And, then I thought the things that no one ever wants to think about. The things that no one ever wants to realize. The fact that those tiny toes were not going to be tucked into her crib here at home. Those toes were not going to get kissed every day. That tummy was not going to get tickled. And, those lips were never going to say Mama or Daddy. At least here on earth.
Ja and I came up with a name that night. A very, very special name. A name that would forever be in our hearts and the first thing on our minds every morning. Arrayah. It means 'a ray of hope' and right now, that's all we have. And Lovie, meaning love for her middle name.
This is the hardest thing Ja and I have ever gone through. I hate that we are just waiting for it to happen. That I can still feel her kick and to know that those will eventually stop without me having her in my arms to kiss. That her little heart that I see beating even in my mind every second of the day will stop beating. And, that even though she continues to grow, it won't be for much longer. And, she has no idea. It is the worst feeling. Knowing. Knowing that it's coming.
It is so hard. Painful. We know that our Saviour is great. He can do a miracle. I really believe He could give her new kidneys. I don't think He will this time. And, although I wish this was not happening to us, and still sometimes forget the reality just to dream, I know that the Lord is good. We have never felt so surrounded by His love than we do now. And, never has every breath that comes out of me been a prayer. And, we know that even if He doesn't heal her, He will save her. We believe that He will hold her in His arms until we come home to see her. Maybe this will be a way of being excited to die. I will finally get to hold Arrayah for forever.
Merry Christmas, Arrayah Lovie. You are my beautiful baby girl that I love more than I could ever put into words. And, although I hate that my heart hurts like this, you are completely worth it. Thank you for staying with us so far. You are my joy. I love you sweet angel.
Love Mommy
"God will resurrect the infants as they are and that the mothers’ arms that have ached for them will have the opportunity of holding their little ones. The father who never had the opportunity of holding that little hand will be given that privilege."
~James Vernon McGee
~James Vernon McGee
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