Returning Hope

Well, the hope has been a tad bit slower to return this time, but as of now, is back completely. The doctors always wear me out and make everything seem so dismal; which I know that the odds are against Arrayah. I don't know if it seems strange to any of you that we continue to hope when the doctors have given her a 0% chance of survival, or that they have said that they will do nothing when she is born to try to keep her alive. But, it is so much easier to get through a day, let alone an hour with hope. This last weekend was extremely difficult. I did a lot of crying and basically fell apart. I wanted to do nothing, just lay in bed. Thankfully, I have a sweet little girl who helped take my mind off things since she wasn't so into hanging out in bed for the day! I am incredibly thankful for her. Since this whole thing, I have taken so much more time to just play. Sure, my house sometimes looks like a bomb went off in it, or dinner doesn't get served until 7:30, but somehow it doesn't even matter.

Ja has been so patient with me. I honestly can't imagine going through this without him. He has been there for me every time. He never gets tired of my crying, at least he doesn't say anything, and lets me cry openly and without feeling like a fool. I don't think I could manage as well as I do if he wasn't the one with me. I was thinking the other day about our wedding day, which was a little over 4 1/2 years ago. I could remember us laughing and smiling. And, I thought, we had no idea what was going to happen almost 5 years down the road. No one ever thinks this will happen to them, and yet it is. And, still, I am so happy to be where I am right now. He really is my perfect soul-mate.

We have another doctors appointment on the third. I don't know if I will keep it. The only thing he is going to do is listen to her heartbeat. I guess I don't understand why I should go considering I feel her move several times a day, and obviously if she is moving, her heart is still beating. I don't see the point in spending the money for him to tell me she is still alive, when I would already know it. He has already hinted that they won't really treat my pregnancy as a real pregnancy with the glucose screening and such. Which, I don't really care if they test for anyways. But, as far as they are concerned, we are just prolonging the inevitable. I don't say this to knock my doctor in anyway. I really do like him and think that he does know what he's doing. He honestly is really sad for us, and I appreciate what he has said and done for us. But, I just think that he doesn't have any hope that we have and will continue to have until we no longer have to.

In other news, we just bought Sahara a big girl bed. Tonight is the first night she gets to sleep in it, and I have to say, when I went in there to check on her, I believe every book in her shelf had been thrown on the floor. I guess it's safe to say, she likes the new freedom! She has been growing up so fast and I love every new stage. She loves to pray, and asks to pray about 20 times a day. We have taken the opportunity every time to pray for Baby Ry. Sahara can say Arrayah, but has taken to calling her just Ry and rubs and kisses my stomach. I'm not sure if she actually understands that there is a baby in there, or if we have named my belly button, Ry. Don't quite know!

Thank you for your continuous prayers. I ask you to continue to pray, and ask everyone you know to pray for us. I am hoping that we bombard Heaven's gates with our prayers and the Lord grants us our petition, even if it's just because He is tired of the pleading!! I believe He can heal her and I believe that He is the One who gives us hope. And, for that, I am so thankful!