Mind Games and Ramblings

It's been a few days since I've posted just because I have been exhausted! So, let me bring you up to date...

I ended up canceling, or I guess just rescheduling. I didn't want to have to go every two weeks like the doctor said. I get too depressed after an appointment, so I am making my own schedule. Sounds daring, right? I have an appointment set for next week, and I am only keeping it for my own health. I know I'm not doing it by the book, but right now, who cares? The doctors are just waiting for the inevitable to happen, so might as well keep them at a distance for now.

I have an all night prayer gathering tomorrow night that I am really excited about. I am going with my mom and sister. When they asked me, I was a little nervous. I am really not an outgoing-kind of person. I'm a homebody and it takes me a while to talk myself into going somewhere with a big crowd where I don't know anyone. But, after thinking about it, I realized that I have wanted to do something like this for a while after finding out about Ry, and since fasting is out of the picture, I figured this would be a way for me to feel like I did more.

Lately, I can feel the effects of not having much, if any, amniotic fluid. It's pretty uncomfortable. She doesn't like any pressure on my stomach which makes it difficult to carry and cuddle a certain somebody. Anytime pressure is put on my stomach, Arrayah kicks and flails until it gets taken off. Either that, or she is very friendly and just saying hello. Our doctor said that a baby could go 5 weeks without amniotic fluid, which would put us to March, I think. It's really hard to think that far ahead. It's much easier to just take it day by day and pray that the Lord has mercy on her and is pleased to heal her.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks or games with me. Does yours do that? I would like to think that it's not just me! Like I think about how sure I was that Ry was a boy because I wasn't as sick as I was Sahara, and then we found out she was a girl. Girls do a lot better with trauma as an infant than boys, so obviously, I think maybe that's why she's a girl so she will make it. And, I think what if we found out about this just so that she would be an Arrayah instead of any other girl name. I know that one might sound lame, but I guess my mind comes up with pretty crazy things when I'm a little desperate! The other thing I think about is I wanted another girl so badly, but had convinced myself it was a boy, and as you know, she's a girl. All of these things just make me think that she is going to make it. So, we'll see what happens.

I'm sorry I haven't posted any pictures lately. Something is up with the computer and won't let me. But, I'm hoping that my computer tech of a husband can get it working so I can show off my sweet little one and her new big girl bed! Hope you all have a wonderful Valentine weekend!