What a Week

Whew. It has been the most crazy 1 1/2 weeks. My brother flew in from Connecticut to spend about 9 days, and the day he flew in, Sahara came down with a 104 degree temperature. Not exactly what I had planned for. So, for about 5 days we did nothing but lie on the bed and watch Lady and the Tramp about, not even kidding, maybe 12 times. I used to really like that movie... She wanted to be held the whole 5 days and so every single one of my plans went to shambles. But, even so, I did get to cuddle the cutest baby all day, and that wasn't so bad! Around day 4, I called the pediatrician because she didn't want to play and her fever kept coming back at night and she wasn't eating very much at all. And, for those of you who either know her or have been following my blog for a while know that she is really small for her age anyways. The doctor ended up wanting to see her, but because Ja just switched jobs and insurances, they wouldn't see her. We ended up going to an urgent care and although the nurse was nice, the doctor was weird. He came in with her chart in his hand and said, "What's wrong with child?" I didn't say anything, but I was thinking, don't you have her name right there on the chart? Do you honestly not have the time to look down and find out the name of my baby? Maybe I'm overreacting, but that, I thought was a bit insensitive and uncalled for.

He checked her and the entire time she is screaming her head off which is making her cough this nasty cough. I felt horrible. The doctor decided he wanted to do an x-ray of her chest to see if she had pneumonia. So, I walk her to the room, and realize that I can't go in to hold her because of Ry. Another nurse offers to hold Sahara, all while Sahara is screaming, and I'm thinking, no way in heaven's name am I going to let you take this baby from my hands while she is so scared and close her in a room by herself. Over my dead body. So, the doctor comes up with a plan, that sure, it would be fine for me to go in. No big deal. I'll only get a little of the radiation. Just put the robe on. Uh huh, sure. I was so ready to get out of there and go see someone else. He was loosing my confidence by the second. I decided to call Ja, who thankfully was close by and was able to swing by to go into the x-ray room with our girl. Turns out, no pneumonia, only a virus. The next day, of course, she was up playing and acting a bit more like herself. And, as luck would have it, I came down with the same virus. I think I saw my brother maybe 4 short times while he was here. Ja, too got sick and since Sahara was feeling better, my parents, bless their hearts, came and took her to their house to play while Ja and I sat around playing rock, paper, scissors to see who was going to get up and get lunch, or the box of Kleenex. Although, we both felt terrible, it was actually kinda fun having a sick buddy. We hadn't spent time together, just the two of us for that amount of time since Sahara was born. We watched movies all day, took naps, and then would look at each other and moan, or complain about the headache we both were experiencing. Or how bad our faces hurt from all the sinus pressure. Good times. Jealous, right?

As, of now, we are both a little bit better. We had two days without Miss Sahara to just rest, and that seemed to help. All three of us slept through the night, which hasn't happened in a while, so I think we are both on our way out of this nasty cold.

I am 28 weeks now. And, I have to admit, I'm a little scared. I know that's when most pregnant women get to take a deep breath knowing that their baby will now, most likely survive if born early. But, I get more and more uneasy as the weeks pass. I think about how differently my life will be when I no longer pray for her every second of every day. Either He will heal her and I won't have to pray for her healing, or He will take her, and again, I won't have to pray for her healing. My life has changed so much from December when we found out, that I don't want to think what it will be like if I no longer have my little Miss Ry anymore with me. I don't want to think about how I will have to explain to Sahara why Baby Ry is no longer in Mommy's tummy. Just so many things that I don't want to have to deal with. Sometimes, I wish I could just fast forward. Fast forward about 6 months down the road. To not have to live through what might be coming. At times, I'm just so ready for this phase of my life to be over, and other times, I want to just freeze time, now, when I still have both my girls. So, I don't have to wonder if Ry will ever hear another Dr. Suess book. Or be with us when we play music loud and we all dance like crazy fools. I hate thinking that I will have to wait for this lifetime to be over in order to get to truly know the little lady that I have gotten to carry for 7 months. And, have gotten to know just how busy a little girl she is. Sometimes, I feel ready. Like I can deal with this. And, other times, I think, just how am I going to deal with the biggest heartache/heartbreak that a mother can go through? I know that we are going to try to have more babies, but, it's not the same. I want Arrayah.

Maybe, God will heal her. Maybe, I won't have to worry about not bringing her home. I'll tell you a secret...Deep down, I think He is going to heal her. Scary secret, isn't it? It's scary writing that. It's scary thinking that. It's scary because I have no promise or knowledge that He is going to. Maybe I think that because I want it so bad. Or that I can't possibly imagine not having her come home with us. That everyone else I know is pregnant with girls, (seriously, everyone I know is having a girl), that it's just not possible that I could come home without my baby girl. I don't know. I've thought the horrible question, why? And, I have realized that is a very dangerous question. I refuse to think about that anymore. I feel like when I ask that question, the devil explodes in my head. Like it's a field day for him. Because I start to feel angry. And, hurt and betrayed. And, I start believing the lies that get whispered in my head. So, I no longer ask that question. Instead, I ask why not me? I mean, this world is full of sin. God never promised an easy life. I mean, look at poor Job. He lost all his kids and everything else. Compared to him, my life is a cakewalk.

Sorry this post is kinda long. And, I'm sorry if it was so jumbled and full of rambles, but I feel better! Thanks for letting me get everything of my chest. This blog has become a great outlet and something that I am so thankful to have.

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain. But, He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

~Unknown