Regrets

No, this post isn't about any regrets about carrying Arrayah, because I have none. I believe we did the right thing in carrying her even though the doctors told us we could abort the pregnancy. I know that I would have a million regrets if we had done that. So, this post is about this last week. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who said some stupid things to you and you didn't say anything in defense? I did this last week, and since then I have been rehashing it over and over in my head what I could and should have said.

It happened at vacation Bible school with a woman who's daughter was in my preschool. She has put her foot in her mouth several times with me before, so I should have had my guard up. But, she saw me and asked where my #2 baby was. I told her that we had her in April and that unfortunately she passed away. She replied, "I'm sorry." And, because I have read a million things on how to deal with this conversation, I smiled and said, "It's ok, you didn't know." This is when I should have walked away and left it at that, but I didn't, and instead it gave her the time to ask what happened. Usually I don't mind this conversation. In fact, I usually like it because it gives me a chance to talk about Ry, which I love to do!, and it also lets people know that people still today, even with modern medicine still lose their babies. So, I answered her with what had happened and in bits and pieces let her know what had gone on those last few months. I carry around a small photo album with about 30 pictures in it of Arrayah's birthday and so, with pride, I took it out and let her in to show her our tiny miracle. And, in response, she instead tells me how swollen she looks. At those very words I was shocked. And, in my head I thought, "Are you serious? Are you really going to tell me, whose heart is still broken over this sweet little girl, that she looks swollen?" I don't know about you, but every baby I have ever seen an hour after birth, looks a little puffy, and by puffy, I mean with tiny bags under their eyes. So, this comment totally threw me off guard. She continued to tell me that she was surprised I was still married, and that our entire situation with Ry was "what an experience." In response to these comments, I didn't say a word. Let me just say, that I am not mad at her. Obviously, she has no grace with her words, or compassion. So, that's basically her loss, not mine. But, I am mad at myself for not saying anything. This post is really for me. I am making it the conversation that didn't happen. This is what I should have, and if I had the chance to go back, would say...

"You have put your foot in your mouth way too many times around me. First off, my baby was not swollen. Yes, she had tiny bags under her eyes, but these pictures were taken an hour after she was born. They went away shortly after that, just like any other baby's does. Secondly, don't be surprised that I am still married. Before we said our vows, we decided that divorce was simply not an option for us, ever. period. And, thirdly, this was not "what an experience." It was a terrible tragedy that unfortunately happened to our family. If your mom or husband died, I would never tell you, "what an experience." You probably didn't think to yourself, gee what can I say that would tear this woman apart, so I am going to forgive you for these incredibly rude remarks you just said to me, but please be careful about what you say to me. And, if you can't do that, please just don't say anything to me anymore."

So, that is what I wish I had said. And, now, that I feel much better after getting that off my chest, I am going to just chalk this up to ignorance and take it as a lesson to speak up next time.