It Hurts

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control


And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day
We'll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

(Steven Curtis Chapman, God is in Control)

My arms ache. I ache to hold her. I stare at her picture and want to once again feel her warm skin against mine. I want to kiss her cheeks and feel her soft skin under my lips. I want to see her little eyes open and look at me. I want to feel her dark, soft, curly hair. I want to hear her tiny squeaks and cry. I feel so lonely.

My heart hurts. I don't want to bury her. I don't want to have to decide what her tombstone says. I want her here with me. I don't want to have to tell Sahara again that Baby Ry isn't in my stomach. I want to go back. Back just a couple days ago when I was still pregnant with her and walking in the sunshine with Ja and Sahara, thinking that life, right then was perfect. I look at the family photo from the hospital and think how perfect my family looks with four people in it.
I don't want to wait another year before I hold another one of my babies. I want Arrayah Lovie.