Getting Easier

I didn't cry yesterday. I only teared up today. It's getting easier. I still miss her like crazy. There is a part of me that is missing, and I feel it sometimes stronger than at other times. Mostly when I am rocking Sahara to sleep or reading her books. Those were the times that meant a lot to me when I was pregnant with Ry. I would think, every single time, that I was rocking or reading to both of my girls. So, those are the hardest times still for me. Just thinking what could be, what would be if we could have brought her home. Things would be so different. And, sometimes, that's the hardest part, knowing that it should be different, but it's not.

Arrayah was buried on Friday. At three o'clock. I thought this would make it easier, but instead finalized it, and made it way more real and way more difficult. Before, it was easy to pretend that she was just as someone's house, or the hospital waiting for us to go pick her up.

Sometimes, I think, is this really my life? Am I really going through this? Was it really my baby that died? It just doesn't feel real sometimes, and other times, it feels way too real.

She did make me realize something though. She made me realize that even though I have the worst pregnancies, (seriously, have you ever met someone that had it worse? For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I threw up for months with Sahara and was in a car accident which left me on bedrest not knowing if she was going to make it and now Ry), I love being pregnant. I think it's because I always have the baby with me. I hate to be alone. And, when I'm pregnant, the baby is always right there with me, a part of me. That is the part I love. I hate the puking, the bedrest, the belly-rubbing, and feeling huge, but that part far outweighs it all. And, I love the deliveries. Even with Arrayah's, the contractions came so fast and so close together, (I have never felt pain like that), and knowing that we were only going to have her a short while, I still loved having her. It was like a piece of my heart came out with her. And, the same with Sahara. I think that is why I am excited to get pregnant again. Weird, huh? I never would have thought I would be able to think about actually getting pregnant while I was still recovering, but I am. And, I am excited to have another baby. Not in any way to replace Arrayah, because no baby could ever ever take her place. But, this house is not completely full yet, and it feels like it's missing someone. Well, actually two people, Ry and a new baby, which I do hope is a girl :)

I will put up some pictures of Arrayah, just not now. I don't feel comfortable putting her picture up yet. But, no worries, they will be coming. She's beautiful! We really have some pretty little ladies!

I want to thank all you girls that left comments on the last couple posts. They mean so much to me and my family. You are all so sweet and mean the world to me. I am still reading your blogs, but haven't commented in a while, please forgive me! For those of you that follow me and have blogs that I don't follow yet, please please comment and leave your blog addresses so I can follow! I love reading new blogs and would love to get to know you all better!