Small Update

I haven't posted in a little while or commented on anyone's blog in a while. Sometimes, it just hurts too bad, and I retreat and hide. So, today, since it is a pretty good day for me, I have ventured 'out' into the bloggy world.

I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago for my two week postnatal checkup. Overall, I think it went pretty well. We talked about having more babies, and timetables, etc... In some ways I want another baby so incredibly badly. But, in other ways I am scared to death to have another one. I am so afraid that something will go wrong again. And, after losing Arrayah, I am all too painfully aware of how scary it is to love someone so much. I have no guarantees that things will go right, or that all my kids will grow up healthy and live a long life. I realize just how scary/crappy life can really be.

We received the photos that the photographer took of our family on Arrayah's birthday. They came out so beautifully. I am so happy that she did take pictures and that we can have these small treasures to help us remember and heal. My walls are soon going to be filled with her tiny face, and I can't wait. I will soon put up some pictures, but since we just got them, I want my family members, most who didn't even get to meet her, see her first before I put any up. I hope to be mailing them out this week to a million people! :) So, just be a little more patient with me!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. Sahara, because of this, has learned the word, 'sad' which is one she didn't know before. She doesn't know what is going on, nor does she wonder where Ry is. If you ask her 'where's Ry?' she will point to her pictures around the house. I'm somewhat glad that she doesn't yet understand, or realize what is going on. I'm not worried about her seeing me cry, I think there is nothing wrong with that. And, as she and any other children we have grow up, they will know about Ry. Our kids will grow up going to the cemetery. Arrayah will always be a part of this family. How I desperately wish she were here with us, and we could watch her grow up. It feels lonely without her, that she is missing, and that this family is not whole anymore. I am afraid to take any pictures of just Ja, Sahara and me, because after seeing the picture with all four of us, it's like a stab to my heart; a reminder that she isn't with us.

That being said, I think we are doing ok. If I stay really busy, I do ok that day. The moment I sit and think or don't do something that takes all my energy, that day goes miserably. So, lots of projects are getting done around here.