A Hard Day

Today is a hard day. I thought I was doing better. Really, I was. I think I have only cried a few times in the last couple months. But, today, is hard. We received a letter in the mail a month or two ago from the hospital where we had Ry inviting us to a memorial service for all the babies that passed away this last year. Today is the service. I was supposed to RSVP, but never did. I forgot most days, but then I just couldn't make myself call the number. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to go. Or if I was supposed to go. We never had a memorial for Arrayah. Not many people met her, and it just seemed so much easier to not have one. I actually don't regret not having one. I wasn't ready for one after her death, and don't feel the need for one now, I guess.

I don't think we are going to the service tonight. It's not really a service for Ry. Her name would be called if I call and RSVP, but other than that, nothing. And, sometimes I still want to just fast forward. I feel like I have been mourning for forever, and come this Christmas, it will have been a year. A full year since knowing she wasn't going to make it. I want to be done. I want a happy heart again. Not one that is alright one day, and the next day, angry all over again. I'm tired of these emotions. I'm tired of crying at night. I want to be done.

Ja said he would go to the service with me, but after crying throughout the day, today, I think the last thing I want to do is be surrounded by a bunch of people I don't know, listening to my baby's name being called. I think tonight calls for a special dinner and movie, and lots of cuddles from my hubby and a sweet little curly-topped toddler.