Hello World

This song from Lad.y Antebellum was one song that I listened to a lot when I was pregnant with Arrayah. Every time I heard it, I cried. There was something about this song that wrenched my heart. Maybe it was the line, "Sometimes I feel cold as steel. Broken like I'm never gonna heal." Because as I was carrying my little girl, that's what I felt. She had a piece of my heart that I was never going to get back. A piece of me that she was going to take with her, and leave me with pieces of me shattered that would not mend. Although it will be 4 months tomorrow, I still feel like this. I still feel like a part of me is missing. That this house is not the same because she isn't crying or smiling in the other room. There was never a cradle in our room with her tiny body and wavy black hair in it. And, there was only 2 days that I got to hold my baby girl. And, here I sit with an emptiness that only she can fill. How many times have I cried when I see someone with 2 little girls? How many times have I thought what would I be doing if she were here with me? And, how long I have stared at her pictures on my walls.

I'm afraid that people think that I am 'over her'. That we have healed and have moved on. Maybe this is because I no longer sob in public. Or maybe because I smile when I talk about her? Or perhaps it is because she isn't brought up in every single conversation, everyday? I'm not sure you ever get over somebody when they die. I know that I continue to think about her every day. There is never a time when I get into the car that I wish there were two car seats in the back. Four little hands to hold, and two sets of tiny lips to kiss.

Already, I am planning her first year birthday. This, is mostly because I know that if I don't, this day is going to be extremely hard. I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist to remind me of everything we have gone through, and I am hoping that when I am talking to people, they will see it and ask about it. I guess since I don't have Arrayah with me to show off, I have to substitute. We are going to go to her grave and place birthday balloons, and I am hoping to also have a set of balloons to release at her grave.

When we were at the hospital, the morning after she was born, we still had her with us, and early that morning, I had the tv on and was watching the country music videos and 'Hello World' came on. The last few lines of that song still linger and remind me to continue to believe in hope, in prayer, and in miracles. I guess this is hard for me because I didn't get my miracle. But, even so, that doesn't mean they don't happen. I'm not sure why I didn't get my miracle. Maybe something worse would have happened down the road? Maybe this had to happen so I could help someone else. I don't know. I do know that I can't wait to meet her when I get to Heaven. That is something very very special that I have. A tiny lady waiting patiently to see me.

All the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world
Hello world
Hello world