The Prodigal Son

"Father, let the world just fade away. Let me feel Your presence in this place. Lord, I've never been so weary, how I need to know You're near me. Father, let the world just fade away. Til I'm on my knees. Til my heart can see."

A while ago, I wrote a post about a Night of Prayer that I went to. We each received a card with a name for God, and two verses. My card was Daddy, Father, with the first verse being "Abba, Father, everything is possible for You. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will not mine." Mark 14:36. This fit perfectly exactly what I was going through carrying Arrayah. The second verse didn't make as much sense to me that night. But, just a few days ago, I remembered this verse and realized that it was meant for me now. And it fit just as perfectly as the first verse. "So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." Luke 15:20

I have been angry. Angry that the God I thought I knew didn't save my little girl. I began to have many many questions that I wanted answered. Why did it have to be my baby? Why didn't He save her? Why should I praise Him still? All questions that came from a hurting, agonized and painful heart.

I still am not sure why He didn't save her. Or why it had to be my sweet lady that died. And, I might not ever know in this life. But, I did find the answer to why I should still praise Him. God is not up in Heaven looking down on me and taking pleasure at my pain, which I thought a while ago. He feels my pain. He knows my pain. And, it pains Him to see me in pain. And, because of the sin in this world and the death and pain we experience, He decided He would do something about it. He gave His only Son to die a horrible, vicious death so that I can see Arrayah again. So, I get to hope again.

"He is. He was. He always will be. Even when it feels like there is no one holding. Be still my soul, He is."


He still loves me and never stopped loving me even when I screamed in agony and hurled accusations at Him. He still holds me and still is faithful. He is the Father that runs to me with arms open and is filled with compassion for me. And, He never leaves me. Jesus knows exactly what I am going through, and when I think why didn't He save Ry, I think about Him in the garden before they came and arrested him, pleading with God for another way and sweating drops of blood. His pleads were not answered in the way He wanted, but He still obeyed His Father and felt alone on the cross. Desiring God's will is not easy. And, many times I find myself not wanting His will, but thinking my plan is better. But, through this time, I have found answers and a new relationship is being formed between the Lord and me.

"Father let Your Holy Spirit sing. Let It calm the storm inside of me. As I stand amazed, lift my hands and sing. He is. He was. He always will be. He lives. He loves. He's always with me. Even when it feels like there is no one holding me. Be still my soul. Through every fear, and every doubt and every tear I shed. Down every road, I'm not alone, no matter where I am."

I still sometimes don't understand why it has to be this way. But, I do know that He has not let me go, even when I felt like there was a war going on for my soul between the Lord and Satan. The Lord has won my heart yet again. I was reminded by a friend of a passage in Deuteronomy where it says that the Lord goes before us to fight our battles. And, I am sorry to say that He has had to battle hard to bring me back to Him, but He never let up the fight. For that, I am so grateful. I pray that my heart will continue to be soft towards Him. And, for my faith and trust to be strengthened in Him. He is good. May my heart never forget this.

"He is. He was. He's always with me. Even when it feels like there is no one holding me. Be still, my soul. Be still and know. Be still, my soul. He is."

"He Is" by Mark Schultz